4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My love language is hissing.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Made something I’m not proud of
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait