scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
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“The Perfect Relationship”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Got ya covered
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
True