i was baptized in a car wash
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78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
This will teach them to underestimate me
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
incredible text to wake up to
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Did…did a minotaur write this
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Always a metermaid never a meter
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Clients after you give them your rates
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?