Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”