a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me too door. Me too.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.