I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
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Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?