Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
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When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.