Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
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If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.