I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
stand with me against insufficient seating
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out