Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
You Might Also Like
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My new favorite headline
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
no their not