Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
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no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Running from your problems is cardio .
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
this is so top tier i cant
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.