I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
You Might Also Like
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”