I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
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*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*