Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
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Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”