Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
You Might Also Like
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.