I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?