video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
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Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes