<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Real House Wines.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?