HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
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[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}