we did it you guys we saved daylight
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[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.