Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
You Might Also Like
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My work here is don’t.
japanese corn
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.