son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
You Might Also Like
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Stick it to the man
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’