[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
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I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My Guy
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”