living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
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I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
You are not alone 💚
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing