I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
You Might Also Like
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Xylophonist Shredding It
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
It’s actually Dr. whatever
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
bad news gang
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.