Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
You Might Also Like
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon