I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
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Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.