🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
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If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
He’s cranky this morning
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.