I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
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*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.