CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
You Might Also Like
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
All excellent questions
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
DOOO EEEET
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun