“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
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My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth