ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
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I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.