Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.