[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
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ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?