Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
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[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
😂💯
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm