Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
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Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
lmfao
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW