I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.