The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…