My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
You Might Also Like
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.