Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
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friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]