I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
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My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”