“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
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What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I have a black belt in leather
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.