[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.