Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.