Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs