you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
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[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.