if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Potatoes were such a good idea
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.