Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
You Might Also Like
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus