Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
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Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Who called it baking and not making love
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?