[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
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My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …